I had a tarot reading about 45 mins ago and I realized why I read for myself nowadays and don’t seek readings from others usually. He was cool and I could tell he knew things…has a gift per se but then he started name dropping Celebs and I became weary.
So the reading was overall good but he didn’t tell me things I didn’t already know about myself. Maybe that’s why I hate getting readings because it’s a lot of describing personality traits you have that you most of the time are already aware of. I think readings on a specific topic are more ideal for clarity on a situation you’re currently facing.
I went in with no specific questions I just wanted to know if I needed to know anything- like if something was surrounding me that I needed to navigate or become aware of. The cards let him know that I am a leader and a strong willed person but I am in my own way when it comes to my life purpose example career. There is so much I can do and want to do but I doubt my gifts and then I do nothing. Again, I know this already but I head nodded and gave out an “ahh i see, alright” to assure him he was moving mountains. :yawn:
I’m just like can someone tell me how to not doubt and give me an idea of what exactly I should be focusing on career wise. I will figure it out soon, because I am about fed up with self doubt and insecurities.
Our reading ended with him telling me about all his side hustles including working with P Diddy, RHCP, No Doubt and Sublime. “Nice!” I replied while judging him a little because I hate when people name drop to wow you especially when you can tell their mission is to wow you. He handed me his card when I was leaving and told me to find him on IG and that his name on there was a nickname P Diddy gave him. Spirituality and P Diddy just don’t go together in my opinion but alright, whatever dude. I pretended like I was going to follow him on IG as a walked off but of course I am not. The biggest takeaway from that reading was all the positive cards for my relationship and he pulled one card when he was describing me and said “all dressed up and nowhere to go” meaning I have a facade like I have it all together or actually, that people assume I have it all together. In other words I play the part well, I’m a great pretender. I’m hoping one day I’ll be all dressed up with a million places to go.
I wrote a piece for Sunday Girl Magazine and they published it. It came out 2 weeks ago and when I received my copy in the mail I was disappointed because the page it’s on was dark and so was the font color so it didn’t stand out- bummer. But here it is. I wrote it a few months ago:
Things you shouldn’t say aloud
By Fallon
I told myself that maybe I had never been happier but I knew that was a lie- but it sounds good, doesn’t it? To say it, to pretend like you believe it.
Is it normal to look back on every relationship or almost relationship and think that you will never feel those butterflies again. I often think the butterflies I’ve felt weren’t the romantic kind. It was the ‘holy shit do they still like me as much as they say they do’ kind or ‘I think I may be ruining this’ kind. Feeling butterflies isn’t something I should be looking for anymore. Maybe I am the butterfly because I’m always flying around to whomever has peaked my interest at the time, whoever has a cute face and feels like a good time. I’m learning to be more stable the older I’m getting, to handle the affairs of my heart in a more grounded way. To just fucking stay and try to work it out with who I’m with. I’m in this relationship now after being single for an embarrassingly amount of time and it has been challenging, to say the least. I like a challenge but, fuck. This past almost year that we have been official has made me question if partnership is for me. Am I cut out for this. I wasn’t told all this work would have to be put in - isn’t love supposed to be easy? I know it’s also work but exactly how much work, to make it work? I hated being single but I hate being in a relationship too sometimes. These are all things that you shouldn’t admit or say aloud. I’m in a position where I want more than anything for this relationship to work without compromising the relationship I have with myself. I think sometimes that’s the tricky part, being vulnerable and available while in love and not forgetting yourself in the process. It can be done, it has been done. You don’t have to be by yourself to love yourself and that’s the part that I’m figuring out. I romanticize my single life while in a partnership and romanticize a partnership when I’m single. The truth is nothing is better or more worthwhile, they each have perks and struggles. The consistency comes in deeply knowing that and being in the moment regardless if you’re single or spoken for. I once heard Drew Barrymore say she’s really good at being herself and I think that’s the key, become so good at being you that you’re grounded in your identity and can’t loose yourself in the process of loving anyone else.